Hope and Change 2013

Coming back to the DC area has been a renaissance of sorts for me.  Like the mythological phoenix that I have tattooed on my back, I am definitely in the process of rising from my ashes.  The old Tara is dying.  I am releasing all of the negativity, pain and anger that have consumed me for most of my life.  I am shedding that old, dull skin in favor of new vibrant skin.  I am learning how to be the beautiful phoenix that soars and not just the one who keeps dying and being reborn.  I am learning how to live beautiful.  I am learning how to have faith.  Not religion but faith.  I am working on creating a wonderful relationship with God.  Well, the relationship has always been there since He created me.  I’m just learning how to appreciate it.  I’m learning how to live up to my end of the bargain.  For awhile God has been reaching out to me and I shied away due to emotional trauma and organized religion (church) related baggage.  It took some special people to remind me that it’s about the relationship first and foremost.

I am also working on forgiving myself for past mistakes.  I am my biggest critic!  I envision that my life should have been more cut and dry or more in line with “the right way” of doing things.  What is the right way?  I had to stop and take stock of that.  Yes, I’ve been married more than once.  At least I’m trying to get it right!  Yes, I had a child out of wedlock.  Well, that was God’s plan because my child saved my life and helped me to become a better person.    Yes, I’m 34 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  I’m grateful for my “good gubment job”.  But I feel that I should be doing something else.   In the past I have allowed others to make me feel guilty about my decisions and the life that I led.  I allowed others to make me feel like a pariah or even the woman at the well when that wasn’t warranted.  That is not my reality.  I am not a cancer.  I am not a deviant.  I am me.  My decisions and journey have shaped who I am.  Because of my past I can create a better future for me, my daughter and other girls and women. 

I know that my new path will be difficult.  I know that I will have to make some tough decisions.  Not everyone will be supportive of my new life.  Not everyone will be conducive to my growth.  So I’m going to have to sever some ties or distance myself from those who are negative.  Unfortunately, it may be those who are in my family who may become casualties of my growth.  I am preparing for that.  I’m preparing for a new approach to my marriage and motherhood.  But I’m trusting in God and allowing Him to create a template for me to follow.  He knows me better than I know myself so He is the best choice to guide me.

I will still have my cussing spirit.  For awhile.  I will still listen to hip-hop.  Maybe not all of it.  I will still enjoy my drinks.  I am a work in progress.  I am evolving.

I miss my friends in Virginia.  But it was time for me to go.  I don’t think that I could have attained this transformation there.  There are too many forces there that are counterproductive and life draining.  I needed a fresh start in a familiar place.  I’m supposed to be here at this time.

I am blessed!  I am loved!  I am a survivor!  I am a success!  I am not an accident!  I AM ME!

Be Encouraged

I know that it’s been a while since I have blogged.  Yes, the love-hate relationship with words continues.  No matter how hard I try to exorcise writing, it keeps creeping back into my being.  I tried to replace it with sewing and other activities but it just won’t relinquish its grip on me.  So today I decided to give in and write.

Today I walked into the Ladies’ restroom at work and was greeted with a familiar sight.  There was a woman standing at the sink rinsing out little pumps.  I was able to identify those little suckers immediately.  She was rinsing out breast pumps.  I said to her, “Boy do I remember those days”!  I watched as her face lit up with the realization that she was among a kindred spirit.  So we chatted about breastfeeding a bit.  She told me that she hates pumping in the little alcove in the restroom.  I have to admit.  It is dark and semi-private.  I would hate it too.  She was new to my building and came from a building where she a comfortable office in which to pump.  She asked how long I nursed my daughter (who is now 11) and I told her six months.  She told me that her son is 6 months and weighs 18 pounds. 

So I did what it seems I always do.  I gave her a verbal high five.  I encouraged her.  I told her that it’s wonderful that her son has been breastfed exclusively and is so healthy.  I told her to keep up the good work.  I also told her that my 11 years rarely gets sick and I attribute that to being breastfed for six months.  That gave her hope.  We chatted about how difficult breastfeeding is.  I reiterated that her hard work is going to pay off in the long run.

Let me be honest.  Today, I feel like crap.  I had to drag myself out of the bed in order to come to work.  Unfortunately that has been the case the last few weeks.  I’m working on some things but it’s a process.  But I realize that I came out of my fog long enough to encourage a woman I have never met.  I may not see her again as my building is pretty big.  But in that moment, however I was feeling was secondary to giving this nursing mom a verbal high five.  I hope that it helps make breastfeeding a little easier for her.  I wanted to let her know that she isn’t alone and that she is doing an amazing thing for her son.

This type of behavior is pretty typical for me it seems.  My big sister pointed it out to me when I told her what I told my brother-in-law who is incarcerated.  He recently received his GED.  I told him that I was very proud of him.  I encouraged him and told him to keep up the good work.  She thought that was magnanimous of me.  I didn’t see the big deal.  She explained that I was encouraging someone I had never met.  True, I have never met my brother in law.  Yes, he was pleased that I mentioned his accomplishment.  But that’s just me.  I guess that how God made me. 

My colleagues list among my strengths my ability to see the good in others.  They say that I’m very good at making people feel good.  They also say that I identify people’s strengths.  That embarrassed me a little I must admit.  But I was surprised to know that this is who others view me.  To me, I’m just being me.

I think that it’s nice to hear a compliment from someone.  I also think that it’s important for people to know that there is someone out there who can relate to whatever they care going through.  Sometimes that can be the difference between life and death.  Literally.  You never know what a person has been through that day.  One kind word or an encouraging sentiment can go a long way.

Quite honestly, it makes me feel good to put a smile on someone’s face.  There is a certain joy in knowing that you can use words in a way that validates someone else.  I’m blessed to have the gift of communication.  Although I do admit that I don’t always use it in my favor.