Coming back to the DC area has been a renaissance of sorts for me. Like the mythological phoenix that I have tattooed on my back, I am definitely in the process of rising from my ashes. The old Tara is dying. I am releasing all of the negativity, pain and anger that have consumed me for most of my life. I am shedding that old, dull skin in favor of new vibrant skin. I am learning how to be the beautiful phoenix that soars and not just the one who keeps dying and being reborn. I am learning how to live beautiful. I am learning how to have faith. Not religion but faith. I am working on creating a wonderful relationship with God. Well, the relationship has always been there since He created me. I’m just learning how to appreciate it. I’m learning how to live up to my end of the bargain. For awhile God has been reaching out to me and I shied away due to emotional trauma and organized religion (church) related baggage. It took some special people to remind me that it’s about the relationship first and foremost.
I am also working on forgiving myself for past mistakes. I am my biggest critic! I envision that my life should have been more cut and dry or more in line with “the right way” of doing things. What is the right way? I had to stop and take stock of that. Yes, I’ve been married more than once. At least I’m trying to get it right! Yes, I had a child out of wedlock. Well, that was God’s plan because my child saved my life and helped me to become a better person. Yes, I’m 34 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m grateful for my “good gubment job”. But I feel that I should be doing something else. In the past I have allowed others to make me feel guilty about my decisions and the life that I led. I allowed others to make me feel like a pariah or even the woman at the well when that wasn’t warranted. That is not my reality. I am not a cancer. I am not a deviant. I am me. My decisions and journey have shaped who I am. Because of my past I can create a better future for me, my daughter and other girls and women.
I know that my new path will be difficult. I know that I will have to make some tough decisions. Not everyone will be supportive of my new life. Not everyone will be conducive to my growth. So I’m going to have to sever some ties or distance myself from those who are negative. Unfortunately, it may be those who are in my family who may become casualties of my growth. I am preparing for that. I’m preparing for a new approach to my marriage and motherhood. But I’m trusting in God and allowing Him to create a template for me to follow. He knows me better than I know myself so He is the best choice to guide me.
I will still have my cussing spirit. For awhile. I will still listen to hip-hop. Maybe not all of it. I will still enjoy my drinks. I am a work in progress. I am evolving.
I miss my friends in Virginia. But it was time for me to go. I don’t think that I could have attained this transformation there. There are too many forces there that are counterproductive and life draining. I needed a fresh start in a familiar place. I’m supposed to be here at this time.
I am blessed! I am loved! I am a survivor! I am a success! I am not an accident! I AM ME!
