Pursuit of Happiness

Today my sister told me that she wants me to be happy.  She said that she doesn’t think that I’m happy and that troubles her. 

Of course I had to do what every nerd and word lover does.  I looked up the definition of happiness.  Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines happiness as a state of well-being and contentment. 

Am I not in a state of well-being?  Am I not content?  Well, quite frankly the answer is emphatically, no. 

On the exterior, I have the makings of a great life.  I am a degreed professional with a car, my own place and a little extra money for toys.  I don’t have a criminal record nor do I have multiple baby daddies.  I have been blessed enough to be able to travel.  I have great family and friends.

So what is it?  Well, for starters, I’m still trying to “find” myself.  I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I have a steady job that pays me well but it’s just a job.  I don’t have any passion for it. 

I don’t really know what I should be doing career wise.  When I finished planning school, I was full of ideas and insight on how to improve the built environment.  I was idealistic and passionate.  I was excited by my new knowledge and fresh degree.

Between May 2007 and now something has gone terribly wrong.  My idealism and passion has turned into a sickening shade of jade.  I can no longer see the world with promise.  It is now gray and deliberate. 

I now question what I’m really supposed to do.  I believe that part of my problem is the fact that I followed the money instead of the passion.  I chose to stay where I was because it was a secure job with promotion potential.  For quite awhile now I have been regretting that decision.

I know what I’m currently doing isn’t going to ride me into retirement.  I’m only in my 30s so I’m sure that I will change jobs a number of times in the next 30 years.  Part of me thinks that I should keep the job and get the career when I retire.  The other part of me wants to feel that I have made a significant impact at the end of the day.

My mentor believes that I need to write.  In fact he has told me on many occasions that he envies my gift.  He told me that if I don’t use it I will lose it.

So, career wise what should I be doing?  I think that the fact that I cannot answer that question honestly causes me the most distress. 

In addition to my career woes, I have internal issues.  I have made a lot of mistakes and missteps in my life.  I have walked into a lot of walls although loved ones tried to help steer me in the right direction.  I have cried a lot of tears and caused a lot of tongues to “tsk”.

As a result, I question every decision and decision making in general causes me great anxiety.  I’m so afraid to have a setback or make a mistake that I’m not really living.  I don’t really trust myself to live.  Living is what caused me to go awry.  Well, living and not making good decisions is what really did it.

So now that I’m on the other side, I’m struggling with how to forgive myself.  How can I move forward emotionally?  I keep trying to tell myself that everyone makes mistakes.  But for some strange reason it seems that I hold myself to higher standards than others.  Who do I think I am?  Jesus?  God?

So I made mistakes.  Who hasn’t?  I had quite a few youthful indiscretions.   So?  In the words of the great Kanye West, “That that don’t kill me will only make me stronger…”  I’m not dead so I’m guessing that I’m pretty strong.

I need to find my happiness within.  But I’m not really sure about how to go about it.  As a Christian, my faith should lead the way.  I have prayed and I have vowed to let things go but so far I have been unsuccessful.  Does that mean I need to pray harder?

I think that I need to close my eyes and my ears and just feel.  I also need to trust that God will send me where I’m supposed to go.  He created me so he knows all of my nuances and quirks.  Who better to chart my path than my Creator?

Pursuing happiness is not easy.  I know that it will require a lot of soul searching, trust and patience.  I’m going to have to learn how to let go.  Plain and simple.  I will find my right career.  I will learn how to trust myself.  I will forgive myself.  Only when I let go and just breathe will I be open to getting to a place of contentment and wellbeing.